Should one only project their good qualities and then show their true selves when the relationship deepens or is that considered a form of deceit?
Oh yes, good questions!
Yes. Yes. And, wow, that seems really wrong to me…
Yes, there is such a thing as being too honest. (more below)
Yes, one should PROJECT their good qualities. (more below)
And, it seems really wrong to me that you see it as an either/or: good or bad or truth or deceit.
I project (not fake, not lie about, not pretend, but to project, as in to highlight) my best self, which does not mean I lie about or hide my shadow side.
Will I show up to a date cheerful? Yes! Does that mean from that day forward I have to roll out of bed just as cheerful all day every day or I am a liar? No.
We are humans. We get moody. We have bad days. We are down sometimes. We are all adjusting to what life throws at us. We get quiet or anxious or overwhelmed.
Dates are for showing your best self, which you should strive to be a lot of the time with the one you love. But as thinking humans, don’t be so superficial as to believe anyone is all one thing, all of the time.
I always tell people to never lie – in life, in PR, and in dating. But also, that doesn’t mean you have to answer every question or blurt out the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
In dating, “too honest” looks like saying too much, being inappropriately personal, or trying to justify yourself, or just being a gossip. We all have dirty linens, doesn’t mean we need to publicly air them.
That’s where branding comes in. Messy divorce? Instead of ranting about how horrible your former partner is and all the awful things they did, you need one or two statements that give an explanation and conveys your ultimate goal or shows what you want.
Example: My marriage ended because the ongoing lies led to mistrust. I will only be in a relationship with a man that is honest.
There. Now we know that Mr. Yesterday was a liar, liar pants on fire, so we can easily know that he is on the naughty list and that I will not tolerate that again. My date could surmise that I will leave him too if he turns out to be a liar, liar, pants on fire. You also know from that statement that I am not a gossip, I have some class.
Now, any coach is going to tell you not to lie. The reason I am different than the others is that I know how to market and I know how to tell stories and I know how people communicate – especially when they want to influence others. The art of human interaction and the science of experience works in business and it works in real life. And as callous and brash and cold as that sounds, we have to understand that we live in a visual, technology-driven world. Even though our relationship happens in real life, the first connections, introductions, and conversations will most likely start on a digital platform and that experience will form the basis of that relationship. If you can master the art and science of cultivating your authentic self and your most sincere desires online, you will increase your shot at being lucky in love.
I would love to chat more and you can reach me here or visit me on Facebook and send a private message.
I help clients by using my digital marketing expertise to help guide their online presence – from photos to words, to the overall presentation to actual in-person events.
Thanks for this question. It really helps me to understand where you are at and how I can help.