It is really hard to analyze ourselves in any capacity. It’s like a doctor operating on themselves or a therapist giving themselves advice. Doctors see other doctors and therapists see other therapists because they need someone skilled and objecting.
I routinely ask for feedback professionally and am sometimes surprised by the information I receive.
Once, I thought I was being super calm in a horrid work situation and presenting myself professionally by not responding the sh*t storm and my boss said she had a problem with my RBF (resting bitch face.)
Apparently, when I am trying to look unphased, it comes across wrong. I am not sure the smile I plastered on at every meeting after that was any better, but everyone thought I was happier.
All of that is to say, we think one thing is happening when something else is actually happening. Especially when intense emotions are involved and there is so much at stake.
So, what I tell clients is that in order to build profiles to attract the person that we want, we think like them, not like ourselves. It is like in marketing when a business does customer profiling, which is where an organization attempts to quantify and understand everything about their ideal customer(s) and then builds their marketing around those customers data and demographics.
If you are not finding the results that you want in your dating experiences (and I know it sounds crass to treat your future love as a customer, but…) treat your future love as a customer. What does a tall, handsome, confident, successful, banker, who loves dogs and walks on the beach want?
Some people can do that successfully. The rest of us need someone like me 🙂
Also, that’s why I say you need 100 Bad Dates. You have got to get feedback (directly or indirectly) from the people you are attempting to date.
Example. I hate my smile. I always have! To me, I have these giant teeth and lots of gums. It’s the only thing I truly dislike about my body and when I am laughing in a photo, all I see is GIANT teeth. But guess what? Every male I have ever met online, dated, or been picked up on by has said that I have a beautiful smile. 100% on the smile. Every time. Even strangers will tell me I have a pretty smile when they are not picking up on me. So, I got over it and used photos of me smiling. I trust the data (or the feedback) – not my hang-ups about my gums.
I would love to chat more and you can reach me here or visit me on Facebook and send a private message.
Thanks for this question. It really helps me to understand where you are at and how I can help.