Short answer: Very.
Medium answer: I am not exactly sure what you are asking but it seems to be along the lines of how should people express themselves when the tough emotions come up while dating?
Long answer: This is hard stuff and I am not a therapist, so you have to do all of the work on you (as best as you can) to get to the point where you are ready for dating. Some people are simply not datable because they are so angry or closed off or bitter. Emotions are great, but if they’re all bottled up inside you’ll just come across as weird or dramatic.
Emotions can be good or bad and generally, I think the issues come when we freak out about those emotions and then either hold everything in or blurt out a bunch of wildly needy demands.
So your job is to understand and process your emotions.
My job is to help you put words to the situations and responses that happen when dating online that involve your emotions.
I want clients to say what they want, but in the positive without bringing up the past or being accusatory or causing drama.
Let’s say honesty has been an issue for a client in the past so he has all of these unchecked, unhappy, unhealthy emotions around honesty, which leads to trust issues. Things that we might create to communicate his fears, hopes, and expectations around honesty (after HE has done the hard work of dealing with himself) are:
- I like women who are honest.
- Strong and real and authentic women are what I am attracted to.
- I function best in a really open, honest relationship.
- I am super honest and some people do not like that, but some love that about me.
- If I were to be serious or exclusive or to have sex with someone, I would have to know that they are super honest and trustworthy.
So his emotions around honesty are his to own. My job is to help him communicate that in a few characters online.
As a follow-up, I have also been asked how do you communicate your feelings during a date with someone you like without coming out too strong?
I love this question!
Please don’t try to communicate your feelings early on. Go slow.
Anything that feels uncomfortable to say will come out awkwardly.
I literally fell in love with my fiance’ the second I saw him and he put his arms around me. Ok, maybe it was like 3 seconds. I did not tell him that. I didn’t even tell myself that until later.
If you are having a wonderful time, say so. If it comes up naturally. If you think the person is funny and they make you laugh, say so, if it comes up naturally. If someone kisses you and you like it, say so.
Blurting out I really like you a lot is only cute in movies.
It is really important to feel your feelings, but that does not mean you need to share them.
So say what you like and praise what works for you.
Now I am not saying play hard to get – be you, but don’t blurt out your deepest feelings without an opening from your date.
Thanks for this question. It really helps me to understand where you are at and how I can help.